Now, for the nominees. It came to my attention that mere thumbnails weren't enough to capture the essence of each poster, so I went ahead and wrote bios for everyone. Initially, GSPOAB was supposed to write my bio, but he got too emotional when writing it. He couldn't even do that right, but I digress.
A man of few posts is the perfect way to describe Ravden. Armed with an Iron Blade that doubles as a laptop, Ravden mows down any 400lb neck beard who dares to bash his beloved neutron weights. After experiencing a staggering 61,666 pos…victories, Riron Bl…Ravon…The guy with over 60k posts met his match: Jia’s husband, Peter. Peter spit on Ravden’s face and decapitated him. The video of Ravden’s decapitation went viral, but I can’t link it because of the rule concerning RAPE. As we all know, Ravden is not one to back down from an e-battle. I mean, how else would someone rack up 60k po…victories? Ravden, a man who is no stranger to getting and now giving head, used the head of one of his victims and stalked Peter throughout the jungles of Sherdog. While plotting his revenge, Ravden’s evil soul was killed with kindness. Peter returned Ravden’s head and gave him special plat powers. This marked the beginning of something special.
Today, Peter is divorced. He and Ravden now live together in a one bedroom apartment in Texas. It is unclear whether they are lovers, but you know what they say: Only steers and queers come from Texas…
CrashStitches
It is a scientific fact that dubs are the herpes of Sherdog. CrashStitches is the only poster in the competition who has the virus, or is he? Rumor has it that Crash was skippiding Bebop’s Stitches back in the Trap thread. E-motions ran wild after the two played “show me yours, and I’ll show you mine.” Bebop showed Crash a world he never could have imagined. The two made a pact to spread their virus to everyone on Sherdog. Their efforts have failed, despite capturing a few elite posters, such as Greg Jackson's "ShitsonaFan." After accepting defeat, the two disease-ridden posters parted.
Crash now lives in the Support forum. Here, he panhandles to DMF for a name change. “BurningStitches” is the name he so desires. Vote for him if you want several STDs (Sherdog transmitted diseases).
Zer
Battle of wits? Nonsense, if you’re going up against Zer. One line from him will make you hnnnnnng. Two might put you in the morgue. To put it in perspective, Charlie Sheen won’t touch ’em; Tony Montana won’t sell ‘em; and they are responsible for the look in Chuck’s eyes. In the words of Dana White, “Good shit…good…shit.” Beneath the comedy lies a darker side. Did you really think we were going to just talk about Zer’s comedic abilities without mentioning the sacrifice he had to make to attain them? I am here to confirm that the rumors are true: Zer is in fact a eunuch. Oh balls, he sold ‘em to the devil. To cope with this, he dresses up as a school girl on weekends with his friend Shinya Aoki.
Although Zer has to sit down to pee these days, he still has the balls to put himself out there and make money. He and his friend have a successful video series on a tube site that I cannot link here.
Velasquez FC
Velasquez FC was born and raised in the largest village of of idiots on the internet - the Heavies. It was evident at a young age that this individual had a knack for captivating the most mindless posters, such as GSPOAB. His use of obnoxious avatars consisting of epileptic UFC welterweights hypnotized those who we thought had no brains. After Cain got KTFO in 1 minute, and Condit got his ass whooped by GSP for 25 minutes, VFC slipped into deep depression. He eased the pain by escaping into a world of fantasy - a world where he fapped to shooped pics of Cain and Condit as champions. VFC went as far as using the Condit shoops as avatars. After checking out of rehab, VFC came back to his village, where he finally accomplished his life-goal: BECOMING THE KING VILLAGE IDIOT. Following this monumental accomplishment, VFC said, “It’s good to be potatoe.”
Now, VFC battles the elite of the elite to make a real name for himself. Will he last longer than 64 seconds?
I had to re-install my eyes to make sure I was reading this right. GOASB is actually a contender for poster of the year? The only award he is worthy of is rustled jimmies of the year, courtesy of Det_Kimble.
Anyways, a bio for GSPBOB would be too easy. Instead, I want to share this letter he wrote for me when I was dieded:
Note: please play this before reading. Start reading after 00:48
Dear Kimble,
I wrote you but you still ain’t respondin’
I left a PM, email, and posted on your profile at the bottom
I left almost 80 posts in the “What happened to Det_Kimble” thread
That you probably never read
There probably was a problem with search function or something
Sometimes I hit the reply button too fast and get the database error
But anyways, fuck it
What’s been up? Kimble, how is your daddy?
VFC is pregnant too, I’m about to be a father
If I have a daughter, guess what I’ma call her?
I’ma name her Boxxy
I read about your dubbing too, I’m sorry
I had a friend who e-suicided over some dubs given to him by Nostromo
I know you hear this every day (because I e-stalk you),
But I’m your biggest fan
I even got your pre-2009 shoops that you did with Paint
I got a hard drive full of your shoops and HLs, man
I like that shoop you did with Rogan/Chuck, that shit was lulz
Anyways, I hope you get this man, hit me back
Just to chat, truly yours, your biggest fan
This is GSPOAB
P.S.
We should be together, too. <3
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