As some of you may know, I have been involved in an affair with my best friend for the better part of 6 years. We have been friends since we were teenagers (we are both now 37) - she moved to England for teachers college, met a guy and started a family. I stayed in Canada, and ironically became a professor at the university we both attended.
We had amazing chemistry when we were younger, but couldn't get the timing right - either she was seeing someone, or I was. Right before she left, I told her I loved her, but she was with someone... and I thought I had missed my chance. In 2016 on a visit to Canada, a night out turned into something more, and since then, we have been in an on again and off again affair. Most recently, I just got back from visiting her in England - quite literally no one in my life knows I went. I told family/friends/colleagues that I was speaking at a conference, and off I went.
As always, we had a magical time. I took her to Hélène Darroze, one of London's few 3 star Michelin restaurants, and it felt like we never skipped a beat. In parting though, we both acknowledged that neither of us knows where this can go - as we lay together, we literally had to set a timer because she had to get home to her husband and kids.
There is no tenable path forward, she would be giving up her entire life to be with me, and even if she was prepared to do that, there are two young children involved. I can't move to England for a number of professional and personal obligations. The logical thing to do would be to stop - we are both being awful people, and I know I am contributing to something that could tear a family apart. The look of guilt on her face as she walked out the door should be enough to stop, but we never do.
The cycle will rinse and repeat. Me living for these brief moments when I can see her, and keeping other woman at arms length, while she experiences a period of self loathing/shame (if only for a little while, as we eventually begin rationalizing reasons why it's okay to do this).
I don't know why I'm telling any of you this - I guess it's because I'm too ashamed to tell people that actually know me. Even with all of this in mind, I would do it again in a heartbeat.
You want to know what's worse than unrequited love, or a missed opportunity? Love that's reciprocated, but can't be acted upon. In some ways, it would have been easier if she told me she didn't feel the same way.
To the younger guys/girls out there, if you like someone and there's a chance of being together - tell them, don't wait.
PS: I know I am being a horrible person, and have no intent on rationalizing what I am doing. Flame away.
