So I finally finished losing everything

[Tireur889]

I'm sorry your friend turned on you, Mike.
Maybe , it was the best thing for you to move out . Your friends family life sounds like a train wreck.
As others said ,I see a divorce in his future

 

[TJ Dillashank]

gets banned

 

[Adamant]

Put not your trust in princes, nor in the son of man, in whom there is no help.

 

[Tuvatuva]

Just a couple years ago I was getting girls numbers and trying to make new friends and much more positive in general. Been trying to figure out how to get back to that guy. I had reasons to be excited about life rather than just survive it. I don't know how to get back there. Feels impossible right now. All my energy is going into just keeping my shit together.

I know how that feels. It's a weird feeling for me. Before 2020 I was a much more positive person and optimistic about life. I focused on compassion, love, and empathy. Had a few good friends and a stable relationship. Thought I had reached a point of philosophical and emotional maturity. Thought I had reached an end to my personal evolution and it was just about adding on to it from there.
Fast forward to now, shit spiraled, I think about things differently, and the compassion and love isn't something I put a lot of faith in. I want to go back to the guy I was before, but at the same time, I can't help but think that happier version of me was just naïve and stupid.

 

[Wrath of Foamy]

- Yeah, my mother is in a similar position.

She had her own home when I was growing up, but sold it when her ex-boyfriend, who she lived with for seven years and based her entire social network around, ended the relationship. She sold the flat she was renting out and moved off the island to be closer to her family.

She was left with £50,000 in savings, but where she moved was expensive, and time was against her mortgage wise. She couldn't get a council house either due to savings in the bank, so she has been living in bedsits over the last ten years or so.

She had been in a shared house with her colleague and her friends husband over the last five years. In all actuality, it was a very nice room and arrangement. They used to own the house, but got divorced, sold the house, remarried and then went back into the house as tenants. Mum came in sublet, and I don't think that the landlord even knew about her living there. She wasn't happy with the husband either, who was off work and has a back injury. She also unofficially adopted a cat from the neighbours, a male who was forced out by bullying from his two siblings.

Anyway a couple of months ago, her friend and her friends husband had been found a council house by the council, and Mum had a month to move out. She found a room elsewhere, but the cat has gone to her sisters, which gutted her. She also isn't on speaking terms with her friend because her friend said that she would take the car, but backtracked.

Truth be told, that's the life of a renter. You settle in comfortably, but not having typical comforts and the threat of eviction is always there to knock you down a peg or two. I feel sorry for Mum, but I told her not to get too close to the cat and I told her to go into her savings to learn to drive an automatic, to give her more range from her work when looking elsewhere to live. I also gave her a few options, living with my older brother for a couple of months so that she could have a fresh start elsewhere, and I offered for me and my partner to rent a house with her. She declined it all. She didn't have a plan, just thought that she was stuck in her environment, and it hurt her as a result.

It's the life of a renter. We need to strip away the comforts of traditional living, figure out who we are and what we have, have an emergency plan if shit hits the fan and figure out how to make life better for ourselves.

 

[Shaun K]

Thats pretty rough. Nothing will drive a wedge between two bros like a ho

 

[William Huggins]

- Yeah, my mother is in a similar position.

She had her own home when I was growing up, but sold it when her ex-boyfriend, who she lived with for seven years and based her entire social network around, ended the relationship. She sold the flat she was renting out and moved off the island to be closer to her family.

She was left with £50,000 in savings, but where she moved was expensive, and time was against her mortgage wise. She couldn't get a council house either due to savings in the bank, so she has been living in bedsits over the last ten years or so.

She had been in a shared house with her colleague and her friends husband over the last five years. In all actuality, it was a very nice room and arrangement. They used to own the house, but got divorced, sold the house, remarried and then went back into the house as tenants. Mum came in sublet, and I don't think that the landlord even knew about her living there. She wasn't happy with the husband either, who was off work and has a back injury. She also unofficially adopted a cat from the neighbours, a male who was forced out by bullying from his two siblings.

Anyway a couple of months ago, her friend and her friends husband had been found a council house by the council, and Mum had a month to move out. She found a room elsewhere, but the cat has gone to her sisters, which gutted her. She also isn't on speaking terms with her friend because her friend said that she would take the car, but backtracked.

Truth be told, that's the life of a renter. You settle in comfortably, but not having typical comforts and the threat of eviction is always there to knock you down a peg or two. I feel sorry for Mum, but I told her not to get too close to the cat and I told her to go into her savings to learn to drive an automatic, to give her more range from her work when looking elsewhere to live. I also gave her a few options, living with my older brother for a couple of months so that she could have a fresh start elsewhere, and I offered for me and my partner to rent a house with her. She declined it all. She didn't have a plan, just thought that she was stuck in her environment, and it hurt her as a result.

It's the life of a renter. We need to strip away the comforts of traditional living, figure out who we are and what we have, have an emergency plan if shit hits the fan and figure out how to make life better for ourselves.

What happened to her original husband......

 

[biscuitsbrah]

I guarantee you you’re subconsciously creating the bad situations you find yourself into. When kids are neglected or abused, as adults they tend to associate with people who don’t treat them well because it feels familiar or "right" in some way. When people treat them well, they get uncomfortable and wary ("What’s the catch?" sort of thinking), experience impostor syndrome, don’t know how to react or reciprocate properly and end up rejecting those good people and only keeping the familiar bad people around. In the event they find some good people, whenever a conflict arises the person with a negative background might see the conflict as relationship-ending instead of trying to work it out with communication skills, which is what well-adjusted people do, which also ends up in the relationship ending. Your interpretation ends up being "All people are bad", i.e. a reinforcement of the initial trauma and the maladaptive beliefs that came from it, when it’s fact it’s you that’s creating self-fulfilling prophecies.

There are certain borderlines that are introspective, but I’ve never seen them be introspective in a constructive way. It’s more like wallowing and going over the same bad ideas over and over again. At the end of the day you have to realize that you have a very serious mental health diagnosis which won’t get better unless you’re willing to challenge your beliefs and change your way of seeing the world in a radical way. Unless you're willing to take responsibility for your own life, in a constructive way not in a wallowing in pity sort of way, you're not going to get anywhere nice.

He has borderline personality disorder? That would make perfect sense why he struggles in life

 

[Wrath of Foamy]

What happened to her original husband......

My Dad?

He left when I was four, learned software development and managerial skills, started a business or two, then became upper management with cast iron contracts, until retiring at fifty-five inna beautiful area with a loving Filipina wife, young daughter and her adult son.

 

[P0NYBOY]

Moved out where?

 

[Noveltymortar]

Oh well that explains why she hates you.

Take solace in the fact that they'll be divorced someday.

Also, how can they afford the house if you're not there to pay your share? I thought you said they couldn't afford it without you.

Maybe they'll all be living in a box soon and you can give them a nickel when you walk by

They’ll invite him in and they’ll all share the box until there’s another fight and he posts about getting kicked out of the box.

 

[biscuitsbrah]

I don't think (I'm speaking for his so I could be wrong) that he meant it to make you feel like shit. I took it as we drive our own car. I disliked a lotr of the aspects of my life and I made some consciousable choices to change those aspects. We are all works in progress, but it is unhealthy to view your life through a lens of doom and gloom. You need to continually put yourself in positions where success are an opportunity. The more you do that, the higher the probability is that you will begin to find more success. Momentum is a real thing, but nobody will give it to you. It is about having a bit of optimism and getting up when life knocks you down. I'm sorry you are going through it, but it certainly can get better if you consistently focus on good opportunities.

I feel like you are one of the more well rounded posters on this website, mentality-wise, with the results to back it up.

I don’t actually know or maybe remember much about your personal life but I’m just assuming based on your posts and what I may or may not remember.

Anyways I feel like Mike should listen to this guy

 

[gspieler]

I did at one point but everything has been slowly going off the rails. First it was to get debt free and pay off my car. Then covid hit and the warehouse industry got fucked. The mandatory overtime never ended, and everything here was locked down for 2 years. So all there was to do was work. I was already too introverted anyway, so I adjusted easily to never meeting new people. Used to meet them at jobs, but I don't care for the people I meet at them lately. Not enough to associate in any way outside of work. I slowly sort of lost all thew hobbies that would take me out of the house to meet people, started spending more time in front of screens.

I guess in the back of my mind I had my friend, and his wifes family. Which I'm sure is weird to people, but I don't have any family. And her parents treated me like part of the family and invite me for every holiday and send me birthday cards and stuff. Nobody else ever even remembers my birthday. So I guess I got used to these people being around and thought hey no matter how isolated I get otherwise, I have this extended network of people to hang out with. I never imagined being completely on my own out here.

And honestly the area is just gross. Most of the people I meet are obvious shady drifters, prostitutes, drug addicts etc. I met a few cool people in the warehouses but those friendships only lasted as long as the jobs did.

Just food for thought, but based on what I'm hearing, I think you should consider a career change. Look into transportation, the trades, or just anything that interests you, that is likely to have a payoff once you get there. Devoting yourself to a new career might help give you a sense a purpose, you'll learn new things, and be in new environments meeting new people.

Also, you might look for new hobbies. Too much indoor time, screen time, etc isn't good for anybody. Give running a shot. Helped get me out of a rut about 14 years ago.

 

[Jake the Muss]

Where do you live @Mike ?

 

[TeTe]

If there's one thing I've learned in life, regarding anything big that I get myself into:

Don't get too comfortable and always have an exit strategy.

 

[Mike]

He has borderline personality disorder? That would make perfect sense why he struggles in life

I do. Along with other stuff. Some of it seemingly just thru genetics, some no doubt because of all the neglect and trauma I had growing up. He's not wrong that I'm drawn toward people that don't treat me very well. I'm aware of all this stuff and have done a lot of research and therapy but I am still like this.

 

[Anung Un Rama]

I get that it's my fault in terms of having no other relationships and being 40. Not that some of the other ones went bad. But that I stopped meeting new people and being open to new things as much. I'm

I don't care about having to leave. I wanted to leave anyway, just not so abruptly. It's more losing my only friend. Sucks. But yeah I'm well aware being this introverted is not normal. Shit has been getting worse for awhile but I don't exactly have a magic cure. Always had social anxiety and difficulty being outgoing in any way. And age and baggage and wtf has happened to society in the last ~5 years makes me not even wanna leave the house at all. Much less actively try to engage with people.

Just a couple years ago I was getting girls numbers and trying to make new friends and much more positive in general. Been trying to figure out how to get back to that guy. I had reasons to be excited about life rather than just survive it. I don't know how to get back there. Feels impossible right now. All my energy is going into just keeping my shit together.

I think by 40 its pretty natural to have stopped making new friends, or if not natural, stereotypical male. My main point here is don't beat yourself up for everything.
I found some sage advice in my back pocket: find a job/ hobby with a social component. My nephew is having a tough time i keep trying to get him to take job in a kitchen (he likes to cook) where he'll at least be around people. Kitchens can be stressful for some but lots of fun too. Even a cooking class or painting class is great for this stuff. But don't beat yourself up hombre (easier said than done, i know). Recognize the negative thoughts and try to turn them around (again, easier said). Much love. Hang in there.

 

[Mike]

Where do you live @Mike ?

Downtown Reno.

 

[Mike]

Thats pretty rough. Nothing will drive a wedge between two bros like a ho

It's gonna suck for him later when he goes to get divorced and has no friends. Our other old friend killed himself last year. It's a tale as old as time I spose but I'll admit I was surprised it went down this way.

 

[Jake the Muss]

I do. Along with other stuff. Some of it seemingly just thru genetics, some no doubt because of all the neglect and trauma I had growing up. He's not wrong that I'm drawn toward people that don't treat me very well. I'm aware of all this stuff and have done a lot of research and therapy but I am still like this.

Downtown Reno.

Time to step out of your comfort zone and try something new.

Be Free of Stress, Anxiety, and Trauma, Fri, Aug 4, 2023, 2:00 PM | Meetup
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