Sherdog Confessional: My affair continues...

[fingercuffs]

You call her your "young wife" and also in other posts say you have adult kids, you are very financially secure and are 61. How long ago was this? Big age gap? Why continue a facade for 15 years?

The way you laid it out in those posts it comes off as if you feel you have perpetual justification due to an old affair? Is that accuate? Did she cheat on you again?

I know that's a lot of questions, but you made a pretty loaded post to gain some sort of moral highground.

Once the kids are grown you should do what you want, but saying you forgive her while also saying it forms part of your justification for having an affair seems inconsistant.

Not even sure I want to know. Normally I wouldnt ask as it aint my business, but given what you shared already, fuck it. Maybe there is some wisdom to be gained here.

I wonder after a 15 year affair when he was in love...how do you style that out with your wife and kids? I would be fucking heartbroken if my friend died let alone a lover of 15 years. How do you keep that to yourself?

 

[Phlog]

Btw, a study estimated that 70% of American marriages experience at least one instance of infidelity: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/BF02693241

That seems alarmingly high.

Walking through life you may have noticed most people you meet are dumb in some or many ways.

A good marriage is a worthy life goal and not easily come by. You don't pick it off the rack.

 

[Jake the Muss]

Realistically, there is no positive end game here.

There is some positivity, and that is coming to terms with your shadow.

There are aspects of your personality that is coming to light. The obsessive compulsive behavior sounds like an underlying addiction, whether that is lust, sex, intensity, etc., which usually suggests an underlying sign of depression, commitment, self-control, and intimacy issues.

Identifying the shadow elements allows a person to become aware of it, so they can seek help on integrating it into their consciousness and prevent themselves from future relapses.

The truly tragic thing about this fantasy bond is that your emotional unavailability maybe preventing true love from entering into your life. Someone who actually needs you.

38 is the age men reach the peak of their sexual market value, and instead of preparing the space for new love to enter, it is being wasted and squandered on a woman who is not capable of loving you in the way that alleviates the shackles of your shadow. She is digging you an early grave.

Look for professional help, and support groups. Here are some resources to get your started.

Patrick Carnes specializes in recovering from addictions:
https://www.amazon.com/s?k=patrick+carnes&crid=U2EBSVE4IPBZ&sprefix=Patrick+Carne,aps,126&ref=nb_sb_ss_ts-doa-p_2_13

Robert Firestone specializes in the critical inner voice and fantasy bonds:
https://www.amazon.com/s?k=robert+firestone&crid=KPBG6PMST8H7&sprefix=Robert+fires,aps,179&ref=nb_sb_ss_ts-doa-p_1_12

Esther Perel specializes in infidelity:
https://www.amazon.com/Affairs-Rethinking-Infidelity-Captivity-Collection/dp/9123649011/ref=sr_1_4?crid=3F30MC7ZWNR9F&keywords=esther+perel&qid=1661169579&sprefix=Esther+pere,aps,152&sr=8-4

 

[Ichibanner]

She's selfish and dishonest and you might be the catalyst that leads to a broken home. Her kids would loathe you, her hubby would rightfully want to f*ck you up, and the two of you most likely wouldn't have a "Happily Every After" if she did leave her man.

What's the future of this "relationship"? You ending up with a woman who lies and cheats? Her being hated by her kids? How long are you willing to drag this out? Are you any less lonely and unhappy when she goes back to her husband?

I honestly don't get the point of doing this besides getting your d*ck wet and playing make believe with someone else's wife that you think is some kind of ideal for the few days you spend together.

I'm not demonizing you as human emotion is strong and complicated but this isn't logical, ethical, or likely to have a positive lasting outcome and you should realize this.

 

[Aegon Spengler]

That sounds awful - I'm really sorry you had to go through that.

Genuinely, there is a lot to consider and I have some serious choices to make. Knowing what to do and following through on it are two very different things. There have been multiple times in the past where both her and I swore up and down not to go down this path - most recently, when she had her second child. That lasted about 6 months before our emails/chats shifted back into something that was more than platonic.

I appreciate everyone's input, including those that called me out on being a piece of shit. Tough decisions ahead....

Seems to me you’re a decent guy involved with a very bad person. She seems like a psychopath tbh.

 

[buffpants22]

It's researchable, and quantifiable. There are a number of parameters. Notably:

Are yours/her parent still married?
Are you educated?
What are your political affiliations?
Do you have strong religious beliefs?
Where did you meet?
What age did you marry?
Etc etc.

The answers which dictate the positive outcome seem pretty obvious... It's not rocket science.

1. Has no barring on if you will stay married or not.
2. Educated people cheat very often idk many that don't and two people of equal education dont usually mesh.
3. Political and religious affiliation dont mean diddly on keeping a marriage together. Most Christians i know are in shitty marriages /cheat or are on their 3rd wife/husband
4. Why does meeting. Place matter?
5.age is about the only factor i could see being viable. Most women who marry young use it as a stepping stone or milestone in life.
I think you pulled 10% out of your ass to justify some weird idea that common day marriage is better/ easier than it is

 

[Omegaboy13]

1. Has no barring on if you will stay married or not. 14 percent less likely to get divorced
2. Educated people cheat very often idk many that don't and two people of ewual education dont usually mesh. 13 percent less likely to get divorced
3. Political and religious affiliation dont mran diddly on keeping a marriage together. Most Christians i know are in shitty marriages /cheat or are on their 3rd wife/husband 14 percent less likely to get divorced if you have strong religious beliefs, number goes up if your partner shares those beliefs. Conservatives are least likely to get divorced, however your 27 percent more likely to get divorced if you live in a red state as opposed to blue. New York actually has the lowest divorce rate.
4. Why does meetimg matter? If you meet in a bar you're 24 percent more likely to get divorced. If you met your spouse in HS, college, or grad school you're 41 percent less likely to get divorced. Multiple more data points on this.
5.age is about the only factor i could see being viable. Most women who marry you use it as a stepping stone or milestone in life. Age has so many data points on it. The general consensus is, dont get married until ~30ish.
I tbink you pulled 10% out of your ass to justify some weird idea that common day marriage is better/ easier than it is

Incorrect on all counts.



The book he references contains an amalgamation of numerous studies. Those studies contain numerous areas of qualitative and quantitative analysis that, when extrapolated out, the data sets get to the 10% I cited.

A cursory search on Google yielded numerous results, it's all open source information that is easily researchable. So no, I didn't pull anything out of my ass. I only like things going into my ass and massaging my prostate, and, every once in a while, some anal beads being ripped out so I can pretend I'm a lawnmower.

Edit: forgot to add. Modern day marriage IS better. Divorce rates have gone down dramatically recently, hitting a 50 year low. Theories are wide ranging as to why.

 

[Cherry Brigand]

This kind of holier than thou rhetoric is precisely why I included the below in the message you quoted.

Sounds more like you know you're wrong and dont like being told you're wrong by people with the moral fortitude not to be such human garbage. Learn and improve or remain ensconced in your own filth. Just don't complain that others aren't wallowing there with you because they made better choices or applauding your sorry condition.

 

[ChickenBrother]

Sounds more like you know you're wrong and dont like being told you're wrong by people with the moral fortitude not to be such human garbage. Learn and improve or remain ensconced in your own filth. Just don't complain that others aren't wallowing there with you because they made better choices or applauding your sorry condition.

Color me intrigued. Specifically what mistakes have I made and what have I done to be considered "human garbage?" And what is the nature of this "filth" that I remain ensconced in? Kind of confused here but please enlighten me so I might learn from someone who knows the state of my marriage and family situation better than I do.

 

[Hollywood Jack]

As some of you may know, I have been involved in an affair with my best friend for the better part of 6 years. We have been friends since we were teenagers (we are both now 37) - she moved to England for teachers college, met a guy and started a family. I stayed in Canada, and ironically became a professor at the university we both attended.

We had amazing chemistry when we were younger, but couldn't get the timing right - either she was seeing someone, or I was. Right before she left, I told her I loved her, but she was with someone... and I thought I had missed my chance. In 2016 on a visit to Canada, a night out turned into something more, and since then, we have been in an on again and off again affair. Most recently, I just got back from visiting her in England - quite literally no one in my life knows I went. I told family/friends/colleagues that I was speaking at a conference, and off I went.

As always, we had a magical time. I took her to Hélène Darroze, one of London's few 3 star Michelin restaurants, and it felt like we never skipped a beat. In parting though, we both acknowledged that neither of us knows where this can go - as we lay together, we literally had to set a timer because she had to get home to her husband and kids.

There is no tenable path forward, she would be giving up her entire life to be with me, and even if she was prepared to do that, there are two young children involved. I can't move to England for a number of professional and personal obligations. The logical thing to do would be to stop - we are both being awful people, and I know I am contributing to something that could tear a family apart. The look of guilt on her face as she walked out the door should be enough to stop, but we never do.

The cycle will rinse and repeat. Me living for these brief moments when I can see her, and keeping other woman at arms length, while she experiences a period of self loathing/shame (if only for a little while, as we eventually begin rationalizing reasons why it's okay to do this).

I don't know why I'm telling any of you this - I guess it's because I'm too ashamed to tell people that actually know me. Even with all of this in mind, I would do it again in a heartbeat.

You want to know what's worse than unrequited love, or a missed opportunity? Love that's reciprocated, but can't be acted upon. In some ways, it would have been easier if she told me she didn't feel the same way.

To the younger guys/girls out there, if you like someone and there's a chance of being together - tell them, don't wait.

PS: I know I am being a horrible person, and have no intent on rationalizing what I am doing. Flame away.

Honestly, you shouldn't feel that bad unless YOU also have a wife and have kids with her. As I recall, you're a single father. She's the one who's cheating and she can deal with that on her end. You should stay in it as long as the getting is good...

By the way, if you wouldn't mind, could you give a mini review of Hélène Darroze?

 

[Fedorgasm]

@Brampton_Boy please don't get upset and stop posting here. Everyone's got an opinion but you're still a sherbro, and this thread has been very entertaining.

I appreciate you opening up your life for us to ridicule.

 

[fingercuffs]

Honestly, you shouldn't feel that bad unless YOU also have a wife and have kids with her. As I recall, you're a single father. She's the one who's cheating and she can deal with that on her end. You should stay in it as long as the getting is good...

By the way, if you wouldn't mind, could you give a mini review of Hélène Darroze?

You are such a flipping c word for the spoiler. I have known you for decades but I still click it every now and again.

And no he shouldn't!

 

[Hollywood Jack]

You are such a flipping c word for the spoiler. I have known you for decades but I still click it every now and again.

And no he shouldn't!

Fair enough. I'd still like a little review of Hélène Darroze at least...

 

[fingercuffs]

Fair enough. I'd still like a little review of Hélène Darroze at least...

I know The Connaught but don't know her at all which is weird. I pride myself on accomplished chefs so I am clearly lacking, what made you bring her up?

 

[Hollywood Jack]

I know The Connaught but don't know her at all which is weird. I pride myself on accomplished chefs so I am clearly lacking, what made you bring her up?

In the OP, he says he took her to Hélène Darroze, which is one of the few Michelin 3 Star restaurants in London. Considering that, I felt a mini review was in order.

I'm also going to try to get in there the next time I'm in London... It's been 4 years already...

 

[Fedorgasm]

I'm also going to try to get in there the next time I'm in London...

The restaurant or the cheating whore?

 

[ChickenBrother]

Sounds more like you know you're wrong and dont like being told you're wrong by people with the moral fortitude not to be such human garbage. Learn and improve or remain ensconced in your own filth. Just don't complain that others aren't wallowing there with you because they made better choices or applauding your sorry condition.

Color me intrigued. Specifically what mistakes have I made and what have I done to be considered "human garbage?" And what is the nature of this "filth" that I remain ensconced in? Kind of confused here but please enlighten me so I might learn from someone who knows the state of my marriage and family situation better than I do.

Still waiting on a response here. You've called me "human garbage" and made some pretty strong allegations here. Maybe you have me confused with another poster but I have no idea WTF you're referring to.

 

[buffpants22]

Incorrect on all counts.



The book he references contains an amalgamation of numerous studies. Those studies contain numerous areas of qualitative and quantitative analysis that, when extrapolated out, the data sets get to the 10% I cited.

A cursory search on Google yielded numerous results, it's all open source information that is easily researchable. So no, I didn't pull anything out of my ass. I only like things going into my ass and massaging my prostate, and, every once in a while, some anal beads being ripped out so I can pretend I'm a lawnmower.

Edit: forgot to add. Modern day marriage IS better. Divorce rates have gone down dramatically recently, hitting a 50 year low. Theories are wide ranging as to why.

Theres lies, there's big lies, then there's statistics.
Youre 70% less likely to not get the monkey pox from your prostate massaging sessions but your buddy has to pull out quicker.

 

[koquerelle]

I don't know why I'm telling any of you this

because you think you're cool

 

[Omegaboy13]

Theres lies, there's big lies, then there's statistics.
Youre 70% less likely to not get the monkey pox from your prostate massaging sessions but your buddy has to pull out quicker.

Yeah, we've all heard the quote. We live in an age of information, where the scientific method is alive and well.

This isn't a malleable nuanced subset of data like what you're referencing utilized for political or monetary gain where some Deep Throat scientist working for Soros is changing information to fit a narrative (Not to mention, Twain lived in a very different world). The statistical hackery that exists in the political realm is not the same as in academia where checks and balances still hold a torch (peer review, etc). This is very black and white points of immutable mathematics based on numerous social scientists work. As in, the data points don't delve into the nitty gritty of the why, or seek to manipulate the axes on a chart to stretch the truth. It's all yes or no, if this then that.

115+ studies that are referenced > Some dude on the internet's opinion because he doesn't like the results.

I came at you with hard facts, you just have a feeling they arent correct. Agree to disagree I guess, even though I don't know what your argument is. And, by the way, probably 70% more likely to get Monkey Pox with the way I do it.

DYOR from here on out.