Sherdog Confessional: My affair continues...

Who is more in the wrong?

  • TS

    Votes: 8 3.9%

  • The cheating wife

    Votes: 66 32.5%

  • They are both equally garbage human beings.

    Votes: 129 63.5%
  • Total voters
    203
Brampton_Boy said:
As some of you may know, I have been involved in an affair with my best friend for the better part of 6 years. We have been friends since we were teenagers (we are both now 37) - she moved to England for teachers college, met a guy and started a family. I stayed in Canada, and ironically became a professor at the university we both attended.

We had amazing chemistry when we were younger, but couldn't get the timing right - either she was seeing someone, or I was. Right before she left, I told her I loved her, but she was with someone... and I thought I had missed my chance. In 2016 on a visit to Canada, a night out turned into something more, and since then, we have been in an on again and off again affair. Most recently, I just got back from visiting her in England - quite literally no one in my life knows I went. I told family/friends/colleagues that I was speaking at a conference, and off I went.

As always, we had a magical time. I took her to Hélène Darroze, one of London's few 3 star Michelin restaurants, and it felt like we never skipped a beat. In parting though, we both acknowledged that neither of us knows where this can go - as we lay together, we literally had to set a timer because she had to get home to her husband and kids.

There is no tenable path forward, she would be giving up her entire life to be with me, and even if she was prepared to do that, there are two young children involved. I can't move to England for a number of professional and personal obligations. The logical thing to do would be to stop - we are both being awful people, and I know I am contributing to something that could tear a family apart. The look of guilt on her face as she walked out the door should be enough to stop, but we never do.

The cycle will rinse and repeat. Me living for these brief moments when I can see her, and keeping other woman at arms length, while she experiences a period of self loathing/shame (if only for a little while, as we eventually begin rationalizing reasons why it's okay to do this).

I don't know why I'm telling any of you this - I guess it's because I'm too ashamed to tell people that actually know me. Even with all of this in mind, I would do it again in a heartbeat.

You want to know what's worse than unrequited love, or a missed opportunity? Love that's reciprocated, but can't be acted upon. In some ways, it would have been easier if she told me she didn't feel the same way.

To the younger guys/girls out there, if you like someone and there's a chance of being together - tell them, don't wait.

PS: I know I am being a horrible person, and have no intent on rationalizing what I am doing. Flame away.
Click to expand...

I'm with you TS. I don't know you personally but from your posts, you strike me as an intelligent dude with generally good intentions (at least no ill intent). That said, this is a shitty situation and you know that. But many relationships are, and fuck anyone who gets on a high horse to lecture you on morality.

Before getting married, I'd probably agree with the folks dumping on you. I had an idealistic view of marriage with anything that violated that trust being immoral, especially with kids in the mix. But life and relationships don't work that way. More than half my friends and former colleagues are divorced and it's challenging when both parents are ambitious and career-focused i.e. have their own lives (and finances) without being dependent on their spouse.

My wife and I don't have a great marriage and were it like this without kids (and my elderly mother we're caregivers for), our relationship would probably be over. But that's unknowable because much of the incremental stress and arguments are attributable to the stress of caring for the kids and my mom. I think you said you're also a caregiver for a parent so I feel you on that. No doubt that situation has put a damper on your dating life and I know first hand that it doesn't help a marriage. That said, my wife and I love our kids more than anything (including each other) and would prioritize them over any other demand on our time.

It takes two consenting adults to maintain a relationship and if this woman is having this affair with you, her marriage can't be great. But that's speculation and ITT only you know all the specifics. If indeed your actions are solely "responsible" for ending their marriage, then you and her share joint responsibility for that. But if the "love of your life" feeling is mutual, then you two owe it to each other (and yourselves) to have a rational discussion about its merits relative to her marriage to the other guy. Hopefully other guy gets roped into that discussion sooner rather than later, but she's going to have to run point on that.
 
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I had an affair with a married woman w/ no kids. I was single.

She was hot as fuck, waaayyy out of my league. Her husband had a profession that would have made it very easy for him to end my life and bury me where my remains would have never been found. It lasted for about a year, and was a wild ride.

He suspected she was having an affair but never found out. She broke it off w/ me and tried to reconcile her relationship with her husband, but they ended up divorced a year later. A couple of years later, she was dating the guy she ended up marrying (2nd husband). We hooked up a couple of times while they were already serious, and probably could have hooked up more, but I didn't want to go down that road again. She really was a terrible partner (girlfriend or marriage), but her hotness let her get away with a lot.

So fast forward 6 or 7 years after that, she is still married and now has a couple of kids. By that point, I was married with 2 kids of my own. Out of the blue, she sends me a flirtatious text fishing for a response. I blocked her number and deleted the text without even thinking about it.

I'm not proud of the affair, but I'm glad it happened. It taught me many lessons, that most important of which is cheating isn't worth it. I'm happy with my wife and would never be unfaithful. This other chick was enough scandal for a lifetime.
 
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You can't just say I know what I'm doing is wrong and that be ok, I think you understand that based on your Initial post, but just want to state that before I go any further.

Look man, I'm a husband and father, my family means the world to me. Do I have old flames that I never put out fully? Yes...I'd be lying if I said I didn't, and that I didn't think about other women from my past at times. But I love my family and I'm committed to them, and I expect my wife to be committed to me. We made a decision.

So that girl was supposed to make a commitment to another man and family, and the fact that she can't leave due to children being involved I understand is a very complex issue. But she either needs to divorce him and committ to you and however that works with her children, or you guys need to end this yesterday. The most obvious answer is she needs to stop seeing you and vice/versa, and that's the decision you both need to come to. I understand love/feelings are involved, but you are absolutely crazy if you think that woman is the only person who can make you happy. That's my key point in all of this, you need to make the decision easy for her and pursue somebody else who makes you feel that way, and hopefully not a married woman. In the process, maybe that can prevent a family from unraveling and falling apart.

The best path forward is for her to be there for her family. It's also not fair to you that she's doing this, and I'm not saying you are a victim here, but think about how unfair that is to you? If you just wait around, You only have the power to persuade, and no power to act. She has all of the power unless you leave this situation. So you shouldn't just wait around and continue this for another 6 years.

No offense man, just my honest thoughts on this. From one man to another, I challenge you to be a man and make the tough decision.
 
This can be fake and TS is actually a basement dwelling loser pouring out his fantasies on a karate forum. Trying to live out something he wished he had.
If not someone do the world a favour and send the husband both TS’ location and a fully loaded FN FAL.
 
jgarner said:
Yeah I was given the dubs because suggesting that an unnamed sherdogger is promiscuous and
may have nudies floating around. I was very wrong about both things and a naughty boy for making up such.. cough lies cough.

I have since learned my lesson about telling everyone someone on here may have nudies because some people are snitches who go running to the mods (who are all really great people).

My apologies to all. Sincerely. Couldn't be more sorry.

<TheDonald>
Click to expand...
Well, now you’re in for it lmao
 
@Brampton_Boy , I chose option 3 because you didn't give any other options. For the record, I don't think either of you are garbage humans because life and relationships are complicated.

People on the internet like to paint life as black and white but there is so much nuance that it could be very possible she loves her husband and still cheats on him with you, is it right? I don't think so, should ya'll stop, yah probably but without first hand knowledge I am not prepared to call either of you garbage.

With all that said, ya'll have some choices to make. You could continue what you are doing, probably will not end well for either. You could go nuclear, she divorces her husband to be with you, you take the leap and move for her.... Could go well, or you could also find out you can only take each other in small doses and realize the huge mistake you both made. The last option I am going to present is that you both enjoy what you had and decide to stop having the affair and move on, this is probably your best option and I think you know that as well Brampton.
 
jgarner said:
No I'm serious. I was slut shaming which is wrong and I was making fun of someone's looks. It's a very shallow attack.
Click to expand...
Yeah. Slut shaming on Sherdog is wrong.

lmfao
 
Cherry Brigand said:
Imagine being the kind of two faced piece of trash who can look into the eyes of his faithful wife and lie to her 100% of every day. And your kids probably look up to you like all kids do not knowing that you are a liar and a cheat and a false father to them. You're reprehensible.
Click to expand...

Oof.

[<dunn]

But false father? I was following up until that part?
 
jgarner said:
Yeah I was given the dubs because suggesting that an unnamed sherdogger is promiscuous and
may have nudies floating around. I was very wrong about both things and a naughty boy for making up such.. cough lies cough.

I have since learned my lesson about telling everyone someone on here may have nudies because some people are snitches who go running to the mods (who are all really great people).

My apologies to all. Sincerely. Couldn't be more sorry.

<TheDonald>
Click to expand...
that’s a pretty solid apology
 
ChickenBrother said:
I'm with you TS. I don't know you personally but from your posts, you strike me as an intelligent dude with generally good intentions (at least no ill intent). That said, this is a shitty situation and you know that. But many relationships are, and fuck anyone who gets on a high horse to lecture you on morality.

Before getting married, I'd probably agree with the folks dumping on you. I had an idealistic view of marriage with anything that violated that trust being immoral, especially with kids in the mix. But life and relationships don't work that way. More than half my friends and former colleagues are divorced and it's challenging when both parents are ambitious and career-focused i.e. have their own lives (and finances) without being dependent on their spouse.

My wife and I don't have a great marriage and were it like this without kids (and my elderly mother we're caregivers for), our relationship would probably be over. But that's unknowable because much of the incremental stress and arguments are attributable to the stress of caring for the kids and my mom. I think you said you're also a caregiver for a parent so I feel you on that. No doubt that situation has put a damper on your dating life and I know first hand that it doesn't help a marriage. That said, my wife and I love our kids more than anything (including each other) and would prioritize them over any other demand on our time.

It takes two consenting adults to maintain a relationship and if this woman is having this affair with you, her marriage can't be great. But that's speculation and ITT only you know all the specifics. If indeed your actions are solely "responsible" for ending their marriage, then you and her share joint responsibility for that. But if the "love of your life" feeling is mutual, then you two owe it to each other (and yourselves) to have a rational discussion about its merits relative to her marriage to the other guy. Hopefully other guy gets roped into that discussion sooner rather than later, but she's going to have to run point on that.
Click to expand...

The divorce rate goes down to around 10% when certain simple parameters are met. No need to reflect and project your bad marriage on here so that TS and all the other marriage naysayers on here feel all better about themselves. We all have choices, some of us are better at making the correct ones.
 
Omegaboy13 said:
The divorce rate goes down to around 10% when certain simple parameters are met. No need to reflect and project your bad marriage on here so that TS and all the other marriage naysayers on here feel all better about themselves. We all have choices, some of us are better at making the correct ones.
Click to expand...

This kind of holier than thou rhetoric is precisely why I included the below in the message you quoted.

ChickenBrother said:
and fuck anyone who gets on a high horse to lecture you on morality.
Click to expand...
 
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